Friday, February 1, 2013

spanx it baby

So for the last few years I've been hearing about this undergarment that's supposed to make you look like Jennifer Aniston in clothes. It's called Spanx and it seems to have taken the country by storm.

A few days ago I was rushing through Macy's when I noticed the large Spanx's display. The young lady went on and on about the magic these little monsters can do, so hey, why not. Besides if it will make me look like Jen then it sure as hell is worth 25 buckaroos.

Getting ready to head out for dinner I decide to put on my new BFF's and maybe take pics of myself like all those chicks do on Facebook. Holy hell. Mother of God what in %{#@! is this?! First off, it took me over a minute to pull up this tiny rubber band and second you can't feel anything from the bottom of your chest to right above the knee caps.

They say you have to suffer to be beautiful, but this seems like something used as a means of torture in a women's jail or something. So anywho, off I go to dinner feeling all sassy and full of myself because hey, I LOOK LIKE JENNIFER FREAKING ANISTON for heavens sake.

All through dinner I suffered. OMG this is awful. I can't breath, I can't feel  anything, and I'm pretty sure I've lost a great deal of circulation. After the entree I excused myself to powder my nose, and as I rush in the ladies room I head straight for the full length mirror to do the ole once over.  Oh dear. Oh no. I notice the whole back of my dress is bunched up exposing my flesh colored Spanx rump. I can't even begin to tell you how humiliated I felt at that exact moment. Have I been like this all night? OMG how many unfortunate souls got a glimpse of my entire backside? Oh God I want to die. I want to find the closest exit and head home and eat an entire box of Oreo cookies. With milk of course.

Heading back to the table I wanted to scan the dinning room for laughter, but eye contact isn't exactly what I craved at that moment. Quietly sitting down,  my dinner date looked at me with this expression that can only be described as maybe I had broccoli between my teeth. "Are you ok?" he asked in his library voice. "Oh, sure"  I replied and quickly moved on to the desert menu.

All in all it was a lovely dinner, despite my unfortunate wardrobe malfunction and I walked away with a valuable lesson: no matter what I try, I'll never look like Jennifer Aniston. Ever.

Besides, wearing that horrible girdle isn't worth the enormous colorful hickie that's planted square in the center of my forehead from ramming into the ladies bathroom stall while trying to unleash my body from the Spanx. No, it defiantly was not worth it.  


  1. I remember when Spanx first came out because the lady who designed it was on QVC (the only place you could buy it) during my post-Katrina QVC obsession. I thought at the time it looked like a modern corset and how do you breathe, much less eat. Needless to say I do not nor ever will own one. Take me as I am or go to hell. lol

    This was hilarious! Sorry to laugh at your wardrobe malfunction. Besides, you look better than Jen any day, even with your dress tucked in your spanx.

  2. OMFG You are a roll! I can just see you running into the stall door trying to get that devil off.. You kill me, Tinkerbell. And hey, Jen ain't got what you got .. THE ENTIRE PACKAGE! Nope, she sure doesn't.

  3. I just peed on myself from laughing so hard!

  4. Why in the hell would you think you needed such a thing? Trust me, you don't.
    How are you sweet thang? Are you still planning on running the Boston Marathon? Kenny asked me to ask you. Happy Mardi Gras!

  5. You're gorgeous! Spanx... oh please! But you are funny as shit.. hitting your head.. LOL Oh, that's rich!

  6. So you stuffed all 100-lbs. of you into a spanx?? I shudder to think! :p

  7. Oh my God you are just too much! LOLLLL!

  8. It's refreshing to see you always manage to keep your sense of humor in tact.

  9. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You crack me up, Lilliput!

  10. I tried those once when they first came out, it was an awful experience. :( How are you??